My Church

I have been wrestling for the last several months (truthfully, the last year) with what it looks & feels like to be a single woman who belongs to Christ but longs for the trifecta - a physical, spiritual, & emotional relationship. It seems to get more difficult, not less, the longer I live in this reality.  I don't know what to expect or how to respond when God seems to delay or deny a desire He wired into me, yet I can truthfully say my life is very good and full, and I am hourly grateful for His gifts.

Our pastor, Jason, has been teaching through the Sermon on the Mount, and 2 weeks ago addressed lust/sexual sin.  I don't know quite how to phrase this, but the atmosphere among the congregation as he taught didn't have the "heaviness", almost grief, that it has sometimes carried when I have heard it addressed in other churches, perhaps because in this place, it seemed to simply be a part of our battle for sanctification, and so naturally something that we discuss, both from the pulpit and together - there didn't seem to be the embarrassment in talking about it that I have observed in other settings. Does that make sense?

Anyway, as is fairly usual, Jason primarily addressed the men as he taught, and the following week announced that he appreciates the feedback on his teaching that he usually gets, and that he had received a high volume of response letting him know that he had really blown it - he had failed to address the women and acknowledge that this is a major battle/sin issue for us as well.  He heard this from the women, and as he confessed this to us from the pulpit, there was much laughter acknowledging that he had indeed "blown it" and tacit agreement that this was indeed an issue for us.  There was humility and grace in the discussion, and free of drama and pretension, I find freedom from fear to come before God and confess my failings and fears and my honest desires and disappointment.

Later that week, I spent some time with a friend from Redeemer - she is 28 and will celebrate her first "birthday" as a child of God this year.  She is an artist and single, and her personal history is typical of someone of that age and environment.  She speaks very easily and honestly of what she has been redeemed from, describing herself as a born-again virgin, and it is very easy for me to be honest about my struggles as a physical, but sometimes reluctant, virgin.  She's also pretty clear about her disappointment and regrets and what she looks forward to in a relationship with a man who loves God and respects & loves her.  In these conversations, I find correction and encouragement without lecturing, and God channels His strength to me through this other daughter of His.